Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
