just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
