I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
