He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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