Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
