Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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