People with herpes should wear stickers.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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