I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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