Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
