I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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