hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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