Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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