help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
