Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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