I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
