My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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