guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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