So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
