I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
