I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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