Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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