dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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