if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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