you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
