ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
