There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
