I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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