if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
