if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
