It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
