Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
