I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
