Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
