I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
