If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
