I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
