i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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