Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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