All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
