My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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