What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
