How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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