Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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