In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You're like the curious george of whores
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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