Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
