Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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