hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
