Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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