i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
she pinky promised me she was 18
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
