Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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